What the hell else are you gonna do?

Some of Lani's unreliable promises are actually met

Dear Writer,

I remember reading in Stephen King’s “On Writing” that he writes for one person; his ideal reader. In his case, that happens to be his wife, but I like the idea of these letters being from me to just you; that when you read them, it feels like a letter written to a friend, from a friend. That’s the spirit in which I’m writing them.

It’s been a wild time here. I imagine it has been for you, too. Does it feel like everything is A Bit Much right now? I’ve never felt this overwhelmed in my life. The world is on fire, literally, and we’re still dealing with fear and unknown with this pandemic and everyone is angry everywhere and they expect you to constantly be angry about everything, too, which is exhausting, and work wants us back in the office for some stupid reason and somewhere in there, we’re all trying to find time and energy to create new things.

In the midst of all of this, I keep telling that you I’m gonna read and I’m gonna write and Writer…

I fucking did.

The reading has been mostly my old work, re-familiarizing myself with myself as a writer, and “The Sandman” for the Endless Podcast, which kind of counts, but not as much as actually sitting down and legit reading new fiction.

I’m working on it.

The writing, though… I’m making some real progress. Most of the writing I’m doing is on the “How Story Works” book which is finally limping along again, but remember how I told you I went back to that old novel that’s been languishing on my hard drive for years now? I finally feel like I can see my way out of it. I have the first chapter, revised to the new story direction, available for you to read if you want.

So, hey, I don’t know how this newsletter business is working out for you, but it seems to be making an honest woman of me knowing that you’re out there, holding onto my unreliable promises, and it helps. I’m not gonna lie. I’m not a huge fan of the accountability buddy system because it puts weight on people to hold me accountable and I know you have enough to do. But somehow, just knowing I’ve made the promise to you is enough.

When I can even remember what I promised.

Anyway, for the moment, we’ll see how it goes.

So, last week, I was talking to you about No Fucks, and I’m finding that it is very hard for me to go No Fucks cold turkey. I keep hitting these walls where all my fucks run out and I’m like, “How did that happen?” and I realize that I gave waaaaayyyy too many fucks this week. Honestly, I’m not sure I’ve made much progress on my fucks dispensation at all. But I guess like everything, it’s a process. You start, you realize you didn’t make it, and you take another stab at it.

Because what the hell else are you gonna do?

I was wondering this week, when I was deep in fucks debt and exhausted, why I do it all? I mean, I have a full-time job I can’t afford to quit. I have house that I’m trying to sell but can’t sell in no small part because I have cats that decided now was the time to conduct territory wars on my carpets, the furry little fuckers. I have a media company that’s going to go sideways when Buffy ends in a few weeks if I don’t think of something fast. I have two books on the hopper and two kids in college and… and… and…

…and on Wednesday when I was hip deep in all of it, I just quietly thought, What if I quit?

Since quitting the day job is a non-starter, it was Chipperish and How Story Works and everything else that went on the chopping block for a second, and I sat with that idea.

Sometimes I wonder… is it worth it? I never have a moment where I don't have some task that’s past due, and a pile of to-dos makes me nuts. I never get a real vacation because if I’m taking a break from one job, it’s to do another. What would it be like, for a while, to have only one job?

I didn’t consider it long. If I quit anything, it’ll be the day job, because my purpose and sense of self are tied up deeply in this work, not that work. I love what I do for Chipperish, and I realize that I don’t have to work harder, I just need to make better use of the time I have. Stop being so goddamn humble (read: afraid) all the time and start promoting the work. Start talking about what I do. I don’t need to do more work, I just need more people to know about the work I do.

I can do that, right? Yes. I can do that.

So, I’m lousy with goals and I just need to organize them all and make everything happen while including rest goals because Writer, I don’t mind telling you, I feel like I’m about to drop.

How are you doing? There’s a comment thread on this post. Let’s chat.

Everything,

L